Culture Blues

Place: West Virginia

Here at Culture Blues, we take our Google Analytics seriously. In tracking our hit count, we've found that nineteen states have yet to visit our wonderful site. In order to attract visitors from these hold out states, we've decided to honor them with a series of reviews. The first is West Virginia...

West Virginia is for lovers...of guns and incest

Widely regarded as the worst state in the Union, West Virginia is grossly underrated. It is actually one of the worst places in the entire world. Described by some as the “armpit of the east,” and by others as the “pubic lice of the Mason-Dixon,” West Virginia and the shitty people that live there should be regarded with derision and scorn by all.

Our 35th state was formed in 1861 when original Virginia sent its most degenerate citizens (and also the best banjo players) to the western portion of the state, a sort of Appalachian version of Australia. Later, West Virginia would be kicked out of the Confederacy for being "too racist." They were welcomed back by a federal government that has been keeping them dumb and flush with guns ever since.

Speaking of guns, they are West Virginia's biggest export, especially the illegal kind. West Virginia has become recognized in recent years as an open door arsenal for out-of-state criminals. This odious reputation, largely due to the state's lax background checks and registration requirements, only increased earlier this year with the passage of the Give Toddlers Glocks Act ("you can't finger print dem babies").

Besides enabling armed robbery and school shootings, West Virginia's second biggest industry is coal. Long beholden to the archaic pollutant, the state is lorded over, and merrily exploited by, the fat cat corporate suits of Big Coal.  The phrase "clean coal" was originally coined to trick hillbillies into working in deadly coal mines. Thus, West Virginia is ranked nationally as the third lowest in per capita income.

Garner seen here striking West Virginia's official state face

Also, West Virginia ranks 51st in college education rates. Only 17.3% of the state's population has bachelor's degrees. It's pretty unlikely that your average West Virginian has the reading comprehension necessary to understand this review, or the electricity required to access the internet, thus rendering this an exercise in futility. We can only hope for a situation where one of West Virginia's "book-learned faggots" escapes to the state's only library and manages to access us from there. If so - hi, the next site you should access is Uhaul.com

West Virginia's most famous native is Jennifer Garner, who inflicted Elektra on us, aka, the West Virginia of movies.

Thanks for clicking, West Virginia! We're glad to have you!