Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: September 4th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(15) They finally caught and murdered the chupacabra. That’s right, some texan with a few pellets of rat poison did what all of Mexico has been unable to do for centuries. Unfortunately, since he’s dead, the chupacabra will not be able to give us any information regarding the whereabouts of the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Puff the Magic Dragon or Osama Bin Laden no matter how much we torture his corpse – and we are going to torture the corpse.

The only Marvel/Disney crossover we'll endorse.

(14) Corporate onanists exploded all over their Blackberrys this week when Disney purchased Marvel comics. Marvel stock prices soared while comic book fans (like us) wondered what this might mean for a medium that, over the past few years, has grown increasingly adult (Marvel has actually spent the last five years slowly turning their universe into a giant parallel for the War on Terror). In order to reassure skeptical fans that Marvel wouldn’t be losing its edge, Disney released early cover art for the first planned crossover (see left). Other fallout included FOX, who owns the rights to Fantastic Four as long as they keep making shitty movies, green lighting four more Vic Mackey packed sequels. Oh, and the evil megaconglomerates that control everything you see and hear just got a little more bloated. Get them next, Castle.

(13) So Jenna Bush got herself a new job on the Today Show as a person that does whatever happens on the Today Show. And apparently, some people have gotten all worked up about it. Look, this is how things work in 2009. We take the dumbest, most reprehensible people society has to offer, and we put them on TV. If they have a sex tape or seem likely to star in a sex tape, we give them a reality show. Otherwise, they get to be a “personality” in some little corner of the entertainment world that no one gives a fuck about. And it’s a good thing it works like this, cause when we mess up and one slips through the cracks, it all goes to shit.

(12) LiveNation lackey Guerrilla Union is teaming up with Cypress Hill to bring back Smokeout, a marijuana themed music festival which this year will also feature something called a Cannabis Cup (seriously guys?) and a Medical Marijuana Expo (WTF?). We’re not sure what’s ickier: the pot counter culture striving for the same kind of pathetically desperate mainstream acceptance that the porn industry has, that you’ll have to buy tickets to this weed celebration through Ticketmaster or Ticketmaster2, or the fact that they are touting Sublime as “very special guests.” Oh wait, we take it back. That’s the worst part. Very special guests indeed!

(11) This article about Chris Brown’s first interview since "the misunderstanding" includes the following gem of a Chris Brown quote “I just need to prove to people I can be a role model.” We don’t think he was trying to be funny. So in the interest of helping a brother out… Chris Brown, role models don’t beat the shit out of their girlfriends. They also don’t respond to questions about the aforementioned shit-beating  by saying “That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

The Farmers' Almanac predicts a highly likelihood of the whole world going to shit.

(10) The 2010 edition of the Farmers’ Almanac was released this week. The almanac dates back to 1818 and is a perfect gift for people who want a more long-term and well-informed picture of how climate change is going to eradicate humanity. This year’s catastrophe: a cold-ass winter. ROLAND EMMERICH WAS RIGHT!!!

(9) Sony has announced they plan to release TVs, Blu-Ray players and Playstations with 3-D capabilities in 2010. The plan, aimed at driving the Joneses further into debt than ever before, is sure to put pressure on Sony's competitors. There are rumors that Apple is going to respond by announcing plans for a chip that is implanted directly into your brain that shuffles all your feelings for you. Hurray!

We're coming for you, Endless Shrimp

(8) Last week Yahoo teamed up with Men’s Health for another one of those alarmist articles about the dangers of eating like the fat Americans we are. This week’s target: pizza! Here at Culture Blues, we are all for people being more aware of the nutritional value of foods they consume. But keep your politics in your pocket, all right? The quote “There's nothing impressive about eating an entire pizza by yourself,” shows two fundamental misconceptions on the part of the writers. 1) Actually, it is impressive. 2) We don’t eat the whole stuffed crust Meat Lovers’ pizza to impress you. We do it cause it’s fucking delicious. We spend 3 hours at Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp to impress you.

(7) OK, you are a government municipality; you have $10,000 burning a hole in your pocket. Do you A) Fix up potholes in your streets B) Start a job training program to try to help your city's less fortunate, or C) Start a campaign to stop the children and young adults in your city from wearing their pants too low. Yep, government in action. Telling people what to do since the Eisenhower Administration.

(6) Nothing’s going to stop Andy Roddick from getting his tweet on at the U.S. Open. He wasn't too happy with the new regulations passed down from the Tennis Integrity Unit, whatever that oxymoronic entity is. “You would seriously have to be a moron to send ‘inside info’ through a tweet” Roddick so liberally tweeted. That doesn’t stop us from imagining a hypothetical tweet revealing such sensitive insider info: “Men’s locker room out of T.P. Federer just used Prince racquet head to wipe. Wonder how he’ll be movin’ on the court in Round 2.” BTW, we tweet “inside info” all the time – like our PIN numbers, our blood types, and the combination to the safe that holds our “Rapture Preparedness” weapons cache. Follow us NOW!

He does kind of look like the grim reaper.

(5) If you’re “lucky” enough to work in an office that has the Captivate Network in its elevators, then you’ve probably already noticed the out of date “news” articles sponsored by the Jay Leno Show about how laughter is good for your health. The most suspicious of these articles claims that hospitals use humor to help patients tolerate pain longer. “The Jay Leno Show – here to shut down your nervous system and ease you into the cool embrace of the afterlife! Weeknights at 10.”

(4) A 65-year old anti-health (care reform) protestor lost a pinkie finger at a rally on Wednesday night, when another man “ate it”. Described by the victim as a “deranged individual,” this liberal cannibal is still on the run from Johnny Law. Meanwhile, our nine-finger defender of liberty discussed the secret government agenda and the price of freedom (have you heard? it isn’t free) during an unintentional comedy packed appearance with Neil Cavuto. Luckily, he’s on Medicaid.

The British Charles Bronson

(3) Here’s your awesome trailer for the week:  Bronson. It’s about a British career criminal and it should be making its way to the States shortly. People who’ve seen Bronson use words like “Kubrickian.” They also believe Tom Hardy’s performance could do for him what Chopper did for Eric Bana. Also, it isn’t directed by Guy Ritchie. So, it’s got that going for it.

(2) Keanu Reeves celebrated a birthday this week! When you’re out this weekend, ask your friends what their favorite Keanu movie is. If the answer isn’t Point Break, you should probably end that friendship. By the way, if you’re in New York this weekend, we’ll be holding an intimate celebration for Keanu at the Bears’ Only Café – now open for bearsness.

(1) This week in 1783, the Treaty of Paris was signed effectively ending the American Revolutionary War. September 3 should be celebrated instead of the Fourth of July, since it's the day we actually became “independent” as opposed to a bunch of whiny, privileged insurgents who didn't like paying taxes. But Will Smith movies wouldn't make as much money in September.

Happy Treaty of Paris Day, everyone! Also, today marks Culture Blues' one month anniversary! Thanks to all of us for writing these articles for free. You're welcome, readers.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Zach Falk, Ariel Loutre and Cheese contributed to this Countdown