Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: September 18th Edition

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(15) The Emmy awards take place on Sunday, which is great news if you're the kind of moron who likes to have mysterious, faceless cabals of philistines, capitalists and perverts give you compromised opinions on what art is worth your time and attention. By the way, thanks for reading.

"I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!"

(14) Jimi Hendrix died 29 years ago today, which means that we are just one year away from the 30th anniversary of his death. We are definitely going to find an appropriate way to mourn/celebrate if we remember. Everyone agrees that Hendrix was an unparalleled musical genius, but perhaps more importantly, he was a stone cold rock star. Not in the lame way that people, rappers and energy drinks use "rock star" now. In a way that meant something. In a way that meant you were cooler and better than other people. In a way that should make 2009 Mick Jagger, Bono and Jon Bon Jovi ashamed. Hendrix was a rock god, and rock gods don’t exist anymore.

(13) Did you see Community on Thursday night? Oh my god, it was hilarious. What were you doing instead? Oh god… that's disgusting. Next week, watch Community. Otherwise, no one will like you.

(12) In all the "loss of civility" conversations over the past week about Kanye West, Serena Williams and Joe Wilson, one name we haven't heard much is Michael Jordan. That's surprising because over the weekend he used his Hall of Fame induction speech as an opportunity to attack everyone from former opponents to the high school basketball coach who famously left him off the varsity squad. It was ungrateful, immature and a little bit ugly. But it was also part of the same need to upstage others that always drove him. He became a legend by besting others and he had to take one last opportunity to remind them, and us. We've all been telling him he's the best for years, but that isn't enough. If it were, he would have stopped long before he won six championships and he wouldn't have the legacy that he does today.

Nax is here to please you.

(11) Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? Nax, a pseudo male sex doll who combines an unappealing name, with a less appealing appearance, and even less appealing phrases like “artificial automatic ejaculation,” and an unbelievably ludicrous $10,000 price tag. Our unit won’t be shipping for another 2 weeks (we think, the site’s all in German!), so check back for our in depth review.

(10) LL Cool J released a new song this week titled No Crew Is Superior. Or, in its abbreviated form, NCIS. Which is the name of a CBS show he’s on. We're sure this is just a coincidence. Regardless, Marion seems to think that he can be on a primetime network show and continue to release rap music. Sorry, only Ice-T can do that. Because he's Ice-T. He can do whatever he wants. Also… deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin.

(9) Jimmy Carter… keeps it real. On Tuesday, the former treaty-forging President got all Kanye West and called Rep. Joe Wilson a racist. Well, he technically said that Wilson’s infamous “You lie!” comment was “based in racism,” but that’s definitely the same thing. RNC Chairman Michael Steele was quick to call it a “pathetic distraction by Democrats.” Oh really, a distraction. You mean like the time the Republicans made a black man chairman of the RNC?

Ask Nick Lachey about the circle of life.

(8) In a bold political move that reversed twenty years of stale Reagan-era policy, President Barack Obama altered the government’s stance on a European missile shie--  WHAT?! Jessica Simpson’s dog was “abducted” by a coyote?! Oh my god, we’ve got to get to her Twitter page! We hope the little guy is all right and that the coyote didn’t snatch him for food, but rather for friendship!

(7) A trailer for the long-in-gestation sequel to The Boondock Saints finally appeared last week, complete with an introduction by director and totally deluded megalomaniac Troy Duffy. The original film has become a polarizing force in the 10 years since its release (holy fuck we’re old!), due to it being mercilessly lauded by teenagers, morons and Troy Duffy, which of course led other, hipper morons to deride it as trash. The facts: The Boondock Saints is an entertaining yet shallow action movie in the tradition of slick, style-over-substance creations that have since been replaced by more grounded offerings like The Bourne Trilogy, Taken and Shoot ‘Em Up. The sequel’s trailer is unsurprisingly light on details and busting with panache, but it does reveal that the original cast (minus Willem Dafoe) will be joined by Clifton Collins Jr., Julie Benz and Peter Fonda. It could be a welcome throwback to a recently bygone era, or it could be a total waste of time. We’re excited to add it to our Netflix queue and get around to seeing it in 2 or 3 years.

(6) Blockbuster announced it could be closing as many as 960 of its stores by the end of 2010, with many closing this year. This is exciting news for people who hate shitty companies. Blockbuster plans to expand its kiosk business to compete with Netflix and Redbox. We don’t know what these kiosks are, but they’re definitely not the answer. Blockbuster waited way too long to rip off Netflix’s model, and then they did an inferior job of ripping it off. If getting free rentals of the 20 movies you keep in stock at your locations was going to entice us, we wouldn’t need a “by mail” service in the first place. Also, your employees are rude idiots.

(5) How scared should we be when Rupert Murdoch claims he wants to “monetize” something? That’s what he said this week about Hulu, one of our favorite internet haunts. The bad news is that the phrase “subscription fee” is being tossed around. The good news is that a “premium Hulu” might be able to offer content from HBO and Showtime whose programs remain woefully under digitized, at least legally. Perhaps more important than any of this is the knowledge that Rupert Murdoch owns Hulu. We actually thought Hulu was some plucky underdog, not just another cog in the corporate oligarchy. Next you’re going to tell us that Goldman Sachs owns Netflix!

"Carpooling with doom and disease."

(4) This week in 1899, Henry Bliss became the first recorded vehicle-related fatality in the Western Hemisphere when he was struck by an electric powered taxi and died from injuries the next day. Mr. Bliss started a proud American tradition of being killed by cars. A tradition carried on to this day by heroes like Donte Stallworth, Emilio Estevez, and Mad Max. Unfortunately, the great American "car culture" has come under fire because hippies think that gasoline is bad for the environment (then why does it come from the earth, dummy?). But they'll never take away our 2,000 lb battering rams, it's our 2nd Amendment right.

(3) If there’s one thing that we’re passionate about at Culture Blues, it’s pretentious indie-rock icons. That’s why we’re super-excited to see that Thom Yorke, Bon Iver, Grizzly Bear, Death Cab For Cutie, and Muse are all appearing on the soundtrack for the Tweenlight sequel New Moon. According to some blood-sucking suit from the vampire marketing department, New Moon is a lot more “somber” than it’s predecessor, so that accounts for the soundtrack’s more “indie” and “a capella” vibe. Did Bitchfork.Com just spontaneously combust? That’s too bad. What’s even more wonderful is that some of these artists might be required to tour Hot Topic locations to promote the soundtrack. We haven’t been this excited since we caught the Wallflowers and Puff Daddy promoting the Godzilla soundtrack with a free show at Spencer’s Gifts.

(2) Not to be outdone by Glenn Beck’s escalating craziness, notable fatass and reformed pain killer addict Rush Limbaugh this week endorsed segregated buses and equated racism to homosexuality. All this in response to some white nerd being beaten up on a school bus by a bunch of the cool black kids. Welcome to high school, loser. Thinking about it, maybe our delicate white children do need separating from those scary blacks. How are our precious white flowers supposed to blossom into future (corrupt) lawyers, (corrupt) politicians, and (rapist) lacrosse players if they’re grown in a field fertilized with hip-hop, grape soda, and general thuggery. And doesn’t being exposed to smarter white children just simultaneously hurt the confidence of black kids, thus impeding their ability to dunk a basketball or start a trashcan fire? We hear ya, Rush. It’s a lose-lose. And if that sounded racist to some of you limousine liberals out there, fuck off, we were born this way! Just like the gays can’t stop themselves from making sweet man love, we can’t stop ourselves from expressing our ignorant, narrow-minded prejudices. Hopefully our church offers the appropriate reeducation classes.

"We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human spirit is still alive."

(1) In news that hit the Culture Blues offices especially hard, Patrick Swayze died this week after a brutal battle with pancreatic cancer, in which he was unable to rip out the cancer's throat. Swayze made movies that were otherwise lame and girly like Dirty Dancing and Ghost enjoyable for men. Bodhi may have just been a character in a great film (this week is not a good time for anyone to vocalize ignorant opinions about how Point Break is stupid, a "guilty pleasure," or any other bullshit - 10 out of 10, motherfucker), but Patrick Swayze will always be remembered as a "modern savage."

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Jason Arican, and Cheese contributed to this Countdown