Culture Blues

October Movie Primer

Welcome to Culture Blues’ monthly cinema primer! Every month, Jeff studies the next month’s slate of releases and ignorantly pre-judges them. His opinions are solely based on 15 minutes of IMDB research and trailers. Jeff has not seen any of these movies. You’re welcome.

 

Now that a toxic September is over, it’s finally safe to go back to the movies. October offers a packed slate with something for everyone – we’ve got action-thrillers, 80s horror tributes, and even a comedy tailored to people who think Napoleon Dynamite is funny. It’s good month! I’m super-optimistic!

 

MEANINGLESS GOLD STATUES

The race for Oscars begins in earnest this month with two early prestige offerings. The first is Amelia, starring Hillary Swank as a fictional lady aviator that flies around the world. Swank brings her trademark tomboy charm to the role, where she'll probably set her mannish jaw in consternation a lot and say stuff like "but ladies can fly too." Also, she has a funny haircut. All the ingredients for a best actress nomination.

And, in a movie I'm actually looking forward to, the Coen brothers return with A Serious Man. The trailer alone features some of the best editing I’ve seen all month. The cast of not-so-well-known character actors is a big step away from Brad Pitt dancing around in UnderArmor, but the trailer makes me cringe in that good, incredibly awkward Curb Your Enthusiasm kind of way. The tale of Jewish midwestern malaise might not bring folks sprinting to the box office, but it could be a darkhorse to make a run during award season.

  

BRAINS!

Just when it seems like the zombie craze is about to peter out, something new and awesome looking shambles onto the horizon. Full disclosure: I'm a sucker for zombies, but come on, Zombieland looks like fun, right? It's got Shaun of the Dead’s dark comedy sensibility, and it's got Woody Harrelson in full-on hammy hillbilly mode. What's not to like? Go watch some brains get splattered. It's cathartic.

 

THE UNINSPIRED COMEDY HOUR

Two flashy adult comedies sporting big casts and pervasive ad campaigns drop this month, but I can’t get myself excited about either of them. There’s Couples Retreat, which reunites the cast of Made and throws in Jareth Cutestory for good measure, but still looks overwhelmingly vanilla from the trailer. Maybe I’m just not into island comedies that don’t involve Jason Segal. I’m a comedy snob.

Also this month is Ricky Gervais’ The Invention of Lying, a movie with a lot of positive buzz because we’re all really rooting for Ricky and are sorry that we had to shit all over Ghost Town. Just like Ghost Town, Lying has a premise that couldn’t sustain a four minute SNL skit. Maybe the cast (comedy bona fides include Tina Fey and Tommy Boy’s Rob Lowe) will be able to wring a few laughs out of this, but I’m still leaning toward Cemetery Junction being the first non-crap film effort for Gervais.  

 

SEQUELS, PART 1

Remember when the Boondock Saints was all the rage in the freshman dorms? I do. I remember when two Irish dudes absurdly hanging from a chandelier and shooting up a room full of evil Russians was the most badass thing I'd seen since Face/Off. Back then, it seemed like Troy Duffy was the heir apparent to the throne of over the top American action flicks. In the intervening years, Duffy has proved to be a complete asshole with Orson Welles level delusions of grandeur (but none of the talent), bullet time and stylized slo-mo violence have become standard action boilerplate, and the original Boondock Saints DVD is collecting rings as a frat house coaster. Suffice it to say, no one is lining up for Boondock Saints 2: All Saint’s Day. It's amazing this thing didn't go straight to DVD. You can hold out hope that BS2 turns out good and resurrects both the insufferable Duffy and a once promising action franchise, but it's going to take a miracle.

In other action sequel news, Tony Jaa returns this month in Ong Bak 2. Jaa is an obscenely talented martial artist, but his stunts (he does them himself) are about all his movies have to offer. He lacks the charisma of a Jackie Chan or even a Jet Li. Definitely more palatable if you just Youtube the exciting parts. Spare yourself the subtitled whining about golden elephants or whatever and watch Jaa flip kick some bitches on the internet. 

 

WILLEM DAFOE’S BALLS

If you’re lucky, Lars Von Trier’s provocative (understatement) Antichrist opens in your town this month. It stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsborough as a grieving couple that take to an isolated cabin to sort their shit out. I’m told things get a little hairy between those two crazy kids. If you haven’t been following the controversy, Antichrist was the first movie ever to receive a special “anti-award” from the ecumenical jury at Cannes.

I’m hoping to see this soon and, assuming I’m still fully-functioning, intend to write about it. Until then, check out Variety’s review where Todd McCarthy refers to Antichrist as a “big fat art-film fart.” Hey, he should be a critic for Culture Blues!

 

CAN THE DUDE FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS MAKE A JARED HESS MOVIE FUNNY?

Maybe. But I’m not getting suckered in.

 

SEQUELS, PART 2

Can you believe that they’ve been releasing a new Saw movie every year since 2004? Me neither. The horror franchise is back this month for another round of crushing people’s heads with bear traps because they don’t enjoy their life enough. I caught myself up on the Saw story with Wikipedia and, truth be told, I’m a little concerned. Clearly, the overcomplicated death traps are the big selling point, but there’s an equally convoluted back story wrapped up in all that barbed wire. Unlike other horror franchises with decidedly short memories, Saw has complicated and interconnected backstories for Jigsaw (the evil puppet on the bike), his apprentices (that’s right, plural), and his victims (they are numerous). The series is also spouting a disconcerting ethos that basically amounts to “if you’re wasting your life, you deserve to be horrifically tortured until you either die or discover your survival instinct.” Maybe I’m way off here, but I feel like the producers sort of want us rooting for this Jigsaw jerk. And usually it’s totally ok to root for the slasher in these gorefests because 1) they’re killing a bunch of flouncing bimbos and empty-headed jocks that probably have it coming and 2) dudes like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees don’t discriminate. Jigsaw is super-judgmental. Jesus. I laid around this weekend eating chips and salsa off my belly like a sea otter. I hope no one dips me in a fucking acid bath!

In non-sequel horror releases, there’s a rad looking flick done in the style of 80s creep-outs sneaking out this month called House of the Devil. Check out the trailer. Maybe it’s time to skip the torture devices and get your horror movies back to basics. 

 

BADASS TRAILER OF THE MONTH

I wasn’t going to write about Law Abiding Citizen because I find the Gerard Butler/Jamie Foxx pairing to be thoroughly boring. Then, after encouragement from one of our other editors, I checked out the trailer. I’m still not interested, but god damn if that trailer doesn’t have an obscene amount of badass action one-liners. A sampling:

•             “Release me…or I kill everyone.”
•             “If Clyde wants you dead, you’re dead. He’s in jail because he wants to be in jail” *cut to Gerard Butler giddily clapping in shackles*
•             “It’s going to be biblical.” *EXPLOSION!* *EXPLOSION!* *EXPLOSION!*

Awesome.

But here’s what I can’t figure out. If Gerard Butler’s character is some retired spook killing machine, how come he lets his whole family get killed by two dudes with a Louisville slugger? Liam Neeson in Taken would never stand for that shit.

 

OH IS IT YOUR MOM’S BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH?

This one is for the daughters. I know there's something that you're not telling your poor mothers. Better to get it out now rather than ruin Thanksgiving again. Here’s some suggestions for mom’s birthday movies that will help you break the ice:

If you're dating a much older man, break the news to Mom by taking her to see An Education, where creepster Peter Sarsgaard gets it on with a high school student (don't worry, she likes it). After she’s seen a cast of talented Brits turn in understated performances, your Mom will be much more accepting when you tell her you've been fucking your literature professor. Tuition might be nonrefundable, but at least it's not Roman Polanski, right?

Or, if you just popped out a secret baby, or had that swaddled package you tossed in a dumpster 13 years ago track you down, it might be time to take Mom to see Trucker. The Trucker here is Michele Monagahan, who is reunited with her estranged son when his father falls ill. Our impossibly sexy trucker is then forced to answer a lot of "why don't you love me?" type questions from the little jerk (answer: because pretty girls hate babies). Also, Trucker co-stars god-among-insects Nathan Fillion, so that's a pretty good reason for anyone in their right mind to turn out, secret pregnancy or not.

Finally, if you're coming out as a lesbian, take your Mom to see that Drew Barrymore movie about roller derby. It has the Juno in it.

 

JEFF, WHAT ONE MOVIE SHOULD WE SEE THIS MONTH?

Here at Culture Blues, we've been unfairly branded as cynical and elitist. I'm hoping to dispel all of that when I tell you, in the greatest of confidence, that the trailer for Where The Wild Things Are makes me want to cry. Maybe it's the obvious themes of adolescent loneliness and longing, or that god damn Arcade Fire song, or the beautiful looking monsters, but man, when that goofy monster says to the stupid kid "you're not really a prince, are you?" I feel like bawling. I don't, of course, because I'm a serious critic and not at all susceptible to the plucking of my heart strings (unless we’re talking about a man preparing his retarded brother for execution in prison, or a certain comic book character burying his pet monkey…but come on, those things were really sad). Seriously, go see this movie. Spike Jonze is a genius, it is years in the making and, what are you? Soulless? Let the giant puppet monsters reach out and caress your stony black heart back to life.

Next month we’ve got two versions of the end of the world, Richard Kelly, sexy teenage vampires, Clooney, a ninja, and an increasing pool of Oscar hopefuls. If I’m still capable of rational thought after watching my experimental Where The Wild Things Are/Antichrist mash-up, I’ll be here to unfairly pre-judge them.

 

HANDY RELEASE DATES:

October 2^nd:  A Serious Man, Zombieland, The Invention of Lying, Whip It

October 9^th:  Couples Retreat, Trucker, An Education

October 16^th:  Where The Wild Things Are, Law Abiding Citizen,

October 23^rd:  Antichrist, Saw VI, Amelia, Ong Bak 2

October 30^th:  The House of the Devil, The Boondock Saints 2:  All Saint’s Day

Tagged as: amelia, antichrist, boondock saints, clitoral abuse, jigsaw, ong bak, ricky gervais, spike jonze, troy duffy, zombies