Culture Blues

Ballin’! Trump Tower Chicago

It’s hard to walk by the Trump International Hotel and Tower and not hear Kanye West in the back of your head: “wait ‘til I get my money right…”

Set in Chicago’s River North neighborhood (ahem- my neighborhood), this ballin’ skyscraper tops out at 96 stories (1,170 feet) and is occupied by some of the most eagerly anticipated and expensive condominiums in the city.

As the name suggests, Trump Tower also offers luxury hotel rooms. So even if your money isn’t long enough to buy (condos start at around $450,000), you can still pony up some cash and stay for a few nights. And while it would most definitely be a waste of money to rent a room just so you can post on your Facebook wall “I’m at the Trump International, ask for me!”... don’t expect this fan of excess to ever discourage such an all-around player move.

It’s clear that Trump went all out with this one. Come on... it’s what DT does. I mean, the man is putting up 1 billion for a Scottish golf resort. And just so we’re all on the same page, that’s a billion pounds.

(I need my Jim Jones raspy voice for this one)

<ahem>

BAAAWWALLIN!

The original plan was for Trump Tower to be the largest building in the world. Following 9/11, the Donald changed his mind; a tall building with his name on it would be too much of a target. So now he just has his name on the second largest building in the US. Terrorist attack averted!

It’s also worth mentioning that he was rumored to have run out of funding during the construction phase. This was a charge Trump flat out denied, saying, “I have a lot of cash. I am not in trouble”. Ballin’!!

(Oh yeah, in case you’re wondering- yes, this was the project that The Apprentice winner Bill Rancic was famously put in charge of, though it’s pretty much common knowledge that Rancic never did much except show up to a few meetings and appear to take notes. In fact, Ivanka Trump – no link required- was actually the one running the show. Don’t feel bad for Bill, though. He did get to marry this chick and hosted an event attended by the admittedly more famous, Don Cheadle).

Top to bottom, Trump Tower wins with details. The lobby is ultra-modern and, quite frankly, sick. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about interior design, and, as much I’d like to, I can’t comment on how contemporary the lobby is or really get into what makes it so special. But, it’s open and bright, and the wood accent walls are ballin’. You feel like you’re walking into the Jetsons’ lobby.

The hotel’s restaurant, Sixteen (can you guess which floor it’s on??!), has been a hit as well. Opening to three stars (Excellent) from Chicago Tribune food critic Phil Vettel, Sixteen offers an intimate and completely ballin’ view of the city. 30 foot windows (30 feet??!) give diners a close look at nearby Chicago treasures like Wrigley Building and Tribune Tower.

And what good is a fancy hotel without a fancy hotel bar? On the mezzanine level, the Trump Tower’s swanky Rebar puts you right on top of the Chicago River. The setting is cozy and sophisticated. It’s not the best spot to party, but any place that offers a $235 bowl of punch gets an A+ from me!

Yes, a bowl of punch that costs $235. At first I thought, “Oh that’s crazy. A $235 bowl of punch. That’s pretty absurd”. And that was that.

But then I thought about it a little more. That’s absolutely ridiculous! Why do you have a $235 bowl of punch? Clearly people actually order this, otherwise they wouldn’t serve it. So my real question is, who is ordering a $235 bowl of punch??

I mean… maybe if you were…

maybe if it was…

(sighs)

Nope. I cannot see there ever being a justification for buying a $235 bowl of punch. Oh well, shit is still ballin’!

Ultimately though, the one aspect of Trump tower that is the most…

most…

(trying to think of a word other than ballin’)

most…

(really trying to think of any word other than ballin’)

Can’t fucking do it.

The most BALLIN’ aspect of Trump Tower is the building’s design. As a former Civil Engineer (yeah… ladies!), one could argue that I’m biased. Or you could shut your mouth, go to Chicago and just look at the thing.

The façade is a bright, silver reflective glass tinted blue. At first glance, the rounded Trump Tower can appear gaudy and inconsistent with the rest of Chicago’s skyline (the two other supertalls, Willis Sears Tower and the Hancock both have rigid black exteriors).

Look longer and you will instead notice that the building is a triumphant reflection of the city surrounding it.

Like the Cloud Gate sculpture in Millennium Park, Trump Tower gives off an appreciation for the Chi rather than trying to define it. During the day, it beams with light and energy; as the sun sets, it takes on an orange glow that is every bit trippy as it is warm.

A common architectural concept of structures this tall is the stepback. Stepbacks are dramatic decreases in width that give the building more stability as you build up. Good examples are I refuse to say Willis Sears Tower or Burj Dubai (and if you don’t know about Burj Dubai, it’s the most ballinest shit on the planet. Step your game up).

A clever feature of Trump Tower is that the three stepbacks graciously coincide with neighboring buildings, matching the heights of the Wrigley Building’s main block, followed by Marina City (the “Corn Cob” buildings), and lastly with the IBM building.

Bottom line, Trump Tower should be on your list of things to experience in Chicago. Buy a place if you can, rent a hotel room if you must. Hell, I’m gonna do it and I live down the street. Ask for me!

Tagged as: ballin', Chicago, really really expensive bowls of punch