The Final Countdown: August 28th Edition

Posted by The Editors • August 28, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Let's face it: All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(15) So apparently, amber alerts aren't bullshit after all. Following a deluge of e-mails to our offices (ok, one e-mail, and fine, we don't have offices), the editors of Culture Blues would like to correct an item from last week's Countdown. Amber alerts have nothing to do with the rainbow terror index popularized by the Republican nightmare squad. In fact, amber alerts are a tool used by local law enforcement, and total badasses like John Walsh, to get the word out on missing children. We bet you didn't know that either, you ignorant little girl. Now come on, help us look for our lost puppy.

"What the hell's Brett Favre doing here?"

(14) We should all be thankful that the Brett Favre drama is over now that he has officially signed with and thrown a completed pass for the Minnesota Vikings. But if you’re a former Brett head who’s still incensed that he’s sleeping with the enemy, the Wisconsin Guys would like you to donate your old #4 jersey rather than burn it, tear it apart or eat it. At least something good has come out of this inexorable nonsense. I just hope Minnesota security doesn’t mistake the notoriously unkempt Favre for one of the beneficiaries.

(13) Our favorite world leader Silvio Berlusconi has worked himself into a litigious frenzy over newspapers besmirching his totally platonic relationship with 18 year old model Noemi Letizia, who calls him “Daddy.” Mr. Berlusconi has also been questioned about choosing numerous showgirls as candidates for his conservative People of Freedom party. And to top it all off, there might be a tape of Mr. Berlusconi frolicking with the Italian “equal opportunities” minister (a former showgirl herself) and the Sarah Palin-esque education minister. The only thing that Mr. Berlusconi can be accused of here is being too awesome for words.

(12) Jay-Z’s tender embrace of Drake during long nights in the studio finally produced tangible results this week when a collabo off the upcoming Blueprint 3 leaked. In “Off That”, Jay goes into the various aspects of life that he’s now “off”, including big chains, baggy clothes, and racism: “This ain’t black vs. white, my nigga we off that / Please tell Bill O'Reilly to fall back / Tell Rush Limbaugh to get off my balls / This 2010 not 1864.” The beef stems from Billy-O’s criticism of Hov’s verse on “My President”. O’Reilly responds to the latest jab by rolling his eyes and comparing Jay to Otis Redding- a black musician from an entirely different genre. Because that’s not racist at all, Dan Patrick. Props to Rush for at least having something funny to retort.

G-Man

(11) Lets all take a moment to appreciate the mustache George Clooney is rocking in The Men Who Stare at Goats trailer. The movie, an adaptation of the excellent Jon Ronson book, deals with the American military’s covert attempts to manufacture them some jedi. True story. Aren’t the horrifying antics of our inept government just absolutely hilarious?

(10) A clear front-runner in the "Headline of the Millennium" award race emerged this week, in the form of "Madonna booed in Bucharest for defending Gypsies". Apparently Madge tried to express herself by shining a ray of light on the nomadic ethic group, saying "It has been brought to my attention ... that there is a lot of discrimination against Romanies and Gypsies in general in Eastern Europe. It made me feel very sad." L Looks like she crossed over the borderline, as racism is still very much in vogue, and the Romanians certainly did not justify her love. Sounds like she needs a holiday! Madonna was conspicously mum on the plight of tramps and thieves.

(9) WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! The New York Times reports that health insurance employees don’t like it when President Obama calls them “greedy, soulless leeches mercilessly feeding off the lifeblood of a country that was totally awesome before they showed up” (not an actual quote). Guess what, when someone says “I’m certainly not villainous or immoral in any way, shape or form,” grab something sharp and get ready to run them through, cause they’re lying and are about to make you pay too much for your heart medicine.

50 Cent's afraid of the Batman.

(8) 50 Cent has pushed back the release of his next album Who Gives a Fuck, once again, from September 29th into November. While no one cares when 50’s self proclaimed “perfect” album actually does surface, you have to wonder – what happened to the hubris? Ducking Jay-Z’s release date was one thing, but ducking the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and Batman?!? That is most definitely NOT gangsta.

(7) Here’s a funny story that we find oddly depressing: on a trip to Spain to celebrate the 10^th anniversary of American Pie, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey. Why does this make us so sad? First, Jason Biggs has been typecast as the bumbling retard in his own day-to-day life. Second, it sounds like the only other American Pie alum on the anniversary tour was Eddie Kaye Thomas (he played the “smart” one). Do you think these American Pie reunions have been garnering smaller and smaller turnout every year – Alyson Hannigan screening her calls, Sean William Scott busy with some “acting”, Chris Klein out of vacation days at the Home Depot – until it’s just Biggs and Kaye, sighing in unison, going through the motions, trying desperately to recapture what it was like when they first fell in love? Breaks our hearts.

(6) Allow us a moment to mercilessly geek out. A Batman video game came out this week. Finally, we can live out our lifelong fantasy of being the caped crusader. Fighting crime, being the world's greatest detective, wearing a billowy cape, speaking in a raspy voice, having a butler - at last it can all be ours! That's some good escapism.

Jessica Biel wants to eat your motherboard (We googled this at work - don't tell our bosses)

(5) Don’t Google Jessica Biel! McAfee has reported that searching for the 7^th Heaven actress can expose your computer to dangerous spyware and viruses. As if the rational public needed any more reasons to avoid her.

(4) Surely you’ve already experienced some of the lame outrage over KFC’s new bunless chicken burger the Double Down (Trent). Granted this new menu item isn’t appetizing in the least but is it really worse than what’s already out there. No, it’s not. KFC claims the Double Down weighs in at a paltry 590 calories, and the Vancouver Sun is willing to concede the point. 590 calories? That’s a health conscious item in the 2009 American fast food landscape. Let’s not all forget KFC’s greatest crime – the fact that it isn’t Popeye’s.

(3) This week in 1927, the United States Government murdered Ferdinando Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti. The Sacco and Vanzetti case is irrefutable proof, and a grim reminder, that torture and a blatant disregard for civil liberties have been used by the government to weed out perceived “[enemies] of our existing institutions” (presiding Judge Thayer’s words) long before Guantanamo was part of the popular lexicon. If anyone gives you guff about Sacco and Vanzetti being anarchists (they were) and terrorists (they probably were), remind them that everyone in the modern era, including then Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis, agrees that, regardless of innocence or guilt, “the high standards of justice… failed Sacco and Vanzetti.”

Here to escort you... to extinction.

(2) Forget SkyNET and the Terminators (and forget James Cameron, while we’re at it). The real rise of the machines is already underway in Japan and, like all things Japanese, it is both adorable and horrifying. Yes, that is a 400 pound robotic teddy bear. It’s meant to assist nurses in moving around lazy sick people, but we’re thinking it’s more like the coolest form of transportation since the Segway. We’d like to officially announce that Culture Blues is accepting donations to buy us a robot slave. We need a RIBA around here, we’re tired of walking! We’d also accept a trained grizzly bear to ride on. Whatever’s cheaper.

(1) NBC executive Brandon Tartikoff died 12 years ago this week at the age of 48. Yes, the guy from the end of the “very special” drugs episode of Saved by the Bell was a real person. And he helped bring us some of the best television shows ever: Hill Street Blues, Cheers, St. Elsewhere, The Cosby Show, Miami Vice, The Golden Girls and Hunter. Absolutely blow your friends’ fucking minds by explaining to them that if St. Elsewhere is all a dream, then the Tommy Westphall Universe would logically also include every show that shares characters with St. Elsewhere, which series creator and Greatest Man Ever candidate Tom Fontana estimates at “something like 90 percent of all television.”

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Jason Arican, Bill Magee, Ariel Loutre and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

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