The Final Countdown: August 21st Edition
Let's face it: All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.
King of the Hipsters
(20) Guy Trebay writes in the New York Times that Brooklyn hipsters are rocking guts this summer. Stop the presses - hipsters aren’t working on their cores! The biggest takeaway here: be proud of your gut. And if people try to crack jokes, tell them you’re anti-establishment and want less women in the workplace.
(19) Harvey Weinstein and his brother whose name no one can ever remember were the subject of a New York Times article this week. The article portrays the brothers as savvy movie producers whose recent hard times have been caused by them getting away from what they know best. Harvey owns up to more mistakes than most people would probably expect, given his reputation. Of course, it’s kind of easy to admit mistakes when you’re on the comeback trail thanks to an Oscar win for Kate Winslet’s boobs and the new Tarantino hotness (in theaters today).
(18) Sci-fi enthusiasts (and scumbags) crashed the official Avatar site this week when tickets for 16 minute previews of the film went on sale. Tickets have since appeared on Ebay at exorbitant prices that no one’s going to pay. Argghh! If we could only send a robot back in time to murder these scalpers, then we could all go back and… oh, the trailer’s up online. Huh, it looks dumb. Ok. Nevermind.
(17) Have you ever wondered what the syllabus at Crazy School looks like? Well, wonder no more! Although, we still have to wonder where these fun-loving seminary kids find the time for all that trolling in between three-a-day sexual reorientation classes.
(16) Oliver Stone is bringing a 10-part documentary series to Showtime entitled The Secret History of America. The series will look at “under-reported” events of the past 60 years and share newly discovered facts. That’s right, Oliver Stone is going to produce a documentary based on facts. What’s next, Roland Emmerich producing a documentary on prehistory? How about the guy who directed Young Guns producing a documentary on the old West?
(15) Here’s a safe topic to bring up around family and friends this weekend: the misconduct trial of lady-judge Sharon “Killer” Keller, whose enforcement of a strict “we close at 5” rule on the judicial system prevented a last-minute appeal from a death row inmate. Another reason not to mess, murder, or rape, with Texas.
(14) Bollywood megastar Shah Rukh Khan was detained for questioning at the Newark airport last Friday. He was on U.S. soil to promote My Name is Khan, a film coincidentally about racial profiling after September 11. Luckily for him, Khan managed to answer all interrogation questions correctly by recalling a series of memories from his coming of age in the Indian slums.
(13) Want more Hancock? Will Smith and Peter Berg are pretty sure you do. They are tossing around ideas for a sequel that would, you know, expand the convoluted and nonsensical mythology that no one cared about in the first place. Please almighty Hancock in heaven let lightning strike the set...twice! We’d rather see a sequel to Seven Pounds called Seven Pounds of Shit where Will Smith takes dumps on front lawns for 90 minutes (we’re already working on the treatment).
(12) It looks like Gerard Butler fulfilled the fantasy of famous men everywhere, stuffing Jennifer Aniston in a car trunk. The smiling men with cameras suggest that this is just a silly scene from an almost certainly terrible upcoming film, but our guess is that Butler finally had enough of Jen mouthing off about her inability to keep a (famous) man, her readiness for a baby, and how awesome Vitamin Water is. Expect this to be on the cover of Life & Style next week.
(11) Kind of Blue, the best-selling jazz album of all time (and here's some explanation why) turned 50 this week. To this day, Miles’ range is still so impressive. Whether you’re sitting in a smoky living room discussing potential web site ventures with your lame friends or you’re stumbling into your bedroom late night with a guest, his trumpet harmonizes with the occasion. This weekend, throw on this commemorative soundtrack to help unleash your brainstorm or sexify your blank-walled sleeping cell.
Forget Miles Davis. This is where it's at.
(10) On Thursday we celebrated the births of two legendary hip-hoppers: KRS-One and Fred Durst. You remember that song about…what was it? Breaking Stuff? Man, that was so good.
(9) It’s the third Friday in August. You know what that means, right? Happy Hawaii Admission Day! That’s right – today marks the 50th anniversary of our 50th states’ glorious acceptance into the Union. Lets all celebrate with a nice bottle of Don Ho.
(8) Some people love long walks on the beach, but Bob Dylan, not surprisingly, prefers skulking about low-income housing communities. Apparently a lingering figure with a hoodie and dark raincoat blowin’ in the rainy Jersey Shore wind raises enough suspicion for a cop call rather than an offer of shelter from the storm. Perhaps more bizarre was the officers’ (yes that’s an apostrophe, there were multiple cultural ignoramuses on the scene) failure to recognize him. At least it probably worked in his favor that they also had no idea one of his most famous songs shat on their state’s police force. Dylan was unable to present any ID, but the cops didn’t give him too hard a time. Full disclosure: Bob Dylan is white.
(7) Professional Reality TV Show Contestant Omarosa has joined a Methodist seminary in hopes of becoming a priest. If you don’t think that this is some sort of publicity stunt/long con, you aren’t nearly cynical enough.
(6) This week, Weezer announced that their next album Raditude will be in stores Oct. 27th. The first single, (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To was also “released.” Let’s forget the music for a second. You’ve gone from naming albums after opera characters to a combination of “radical” and “attitude.” Guys, I have an idea for your next album… Bad Dudes.
(5) In case you haven’t figured it out by now: amber alerts are bullshit! Former Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, the latest in the cavalcade of neoncons trying to re-brand (see also: Tom DeLay), confesses in his new book that some of those terror alerts (like the ones right before an election, say?) might have been just a tiny bit politically motivated. Don’t be scared, America! We were just goofing. By the way, the subtitle of Ridge’s book (where we bet he also finds him some Jesus) begins “America Under Siege..”. Do we have any special colors for irony alerts?
(4) David Letterman and Renee Zellweger came together to make television history Thursday as they took swings at a guacamole filled piñata. As the piñata lay defeated on the Late Show stage, total bad-ass Zellweger sampled the piñata’s innards barehanded, crying bloodthirstily, "Where are the chips?!" Perhaps the rumors of a cannibalism plot twist in Bridget Jones III carry some weight after all. Where are the chips, indeed.
He's probably sad about Novak
(3) The Little League World Series will be hijacking the ESPN family of networks starting today. Look, the LLWS is only interesting when there is a birth certificate faking or excessive showboating. Outside of that, it’s just a grim reminder that not only are these kids significantly better than you at age 12, they’re potentially more athletic than you are now. Attempt to take solace in the fact that most of these kids will have peaked before they make it to high school.
(2) Food Network has announced that Olympic figure skater and world class sissy Brian Boitano will be hosting his own cooking show entitled What Would Brian Boitano Make? That’s right it’s a reference to the South Park song which is the last bit of relevancy Boitano enjoyed. We’re going to forego any sort of commentary on how these self-aware inter-cultural references are making the universe fold in on itself or how worthless these “cooking” shows are, and instead just bask in the glory of Vote or Die. “Shake your titties when you vote, bitch!”
(1) Notable political reporter Robert “The Prince of Darkness” Novak died on Tuesday morning. You may know Novak as the guy who dropped dime on CIA agent Valerie Plame, setting off a shitstorm of First Amendment debate, the eventual shift in connotation of the nickname “Scooter” from spunky to sleazy, and a push for the Plame-Joe Wilson power couple campaign of summer ’05. Doesn’t ring a bell? Perhaps you remember Novak from his role as a transition device in the movie Dave.
Unbeknownst to many, Novak was a closet flip-flopper. He was originally a Democratic supporter of JFK and LBJ and even converted to Catholicism from Judaism late in life. RIP, you glorious douchebag of liberty.
Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Zach Falk, Jason Arican, Bill Magee, and Cheese contributed to this Countdown
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)