Culture Blues

The Final Countdown: August 14th Edition

 Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

This Countdown brought to you by:

Keeping the blacks out of office since 18...aw, shit

 1)   Freedom means being able to pack heat at an Obama town-hall meeting! Check out this nutjob exerting his constitutionally protected right to creep everybody out. Of course, he’s a libertarian, a party we feel safe pigeon-holing as book-learned right wingers with anarchist tendencies that think we’re still fighting the Revolutionary War. Well, at least he’s well-spoken. Just like Tim McVeigh. See ya at the militia meeting.

2) The latest iteration of the hugely popular Madden video game released today, causing adult males across the country to call in sick to work. We’ve come a long way from passing windows and box-like players. It’s all right to feel nostalgic, but try not to bring up the nuances of your franchise-world or your preferred skill-slider settings at any public gathering this weekend. No one cares. 

  3) The trailer for Heath Ledger’s last performance has finally arrived. The Terry Gilliam directed project looks to be a mash up of his own Adventures of Baron Munchhausen and a Tim Burton movie. Regardless of the quality of the movie or Ledger’s performance, after the iconic and haunting Joker, it unfortunately looks like Ledger is headed for this list. 

Stop beating your wife! The fungus commands it!

4) Someone alert King T’Challa! There’s a fungus in Thailand (that’s in Africa, right?) that turns ants into zombies. It won’t be long until the deadly essence of nature’s first necromancer is distilled and weaponized by the evil Controller.

 5) If people are still mourning the loss of Michigan state treasure John Hughes, steer the conversation away from touchy subjects like race and the joyless nature of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Instead focus on Hughes’ chosen pseudonym, Edmond Dantes, and how it’s a clear indication that he will return in a few years with a plot to destroy all who betrayed him… and a screenplay for National Lampoon’s Chateau d’if Vacation.

6) No. 1 with a laser: G.I. Joe ruled this past week as no. 1 at the box office, but cool people are only interested in the avant garde world of GI Joe stop motion animation. They give us what the movie couldn’t: tense shootouts, ultra-realistic bloodshed, and Dreadnoks (feel free to ignore the existential plot and skip to the 2:50 mark when the 'Noks show up).

7) Last week, Radiohead released a song in honor of Harry Patch, the last surviving UK veteran of WWI who recently passed away. Breathe a sigh of relief fans, it’s exactly what you are looking for. Assuming you were looking for 8 lines of lyrics spread over 5 and a half minutes of strings so peaceful they’d make Robin Williams fall asleep. That’s what you guys are into, right?

8) A bunch of braniacs basically cured blindness this week, discovering a way for people to see with their tongues. Seriously. It works like this: you wear these stylish sunglasses that transmit images to this iPod looking thingy that is connected to your tongue. The tongue is then shocked by the doo-hickey, and because the tongue has a ton of nerve endings, that electrical current can somehow be transmitted to your brain as sight. Or something. They explain it better here. Every day, we inch closer and closer to Kurzweil’s singularity. Personally, I’m not ready for the machine overlords to make me immortal, but I am ready to taste with my eyeballs. Get cracking, science!

9) The inevitable The Walking Dead comics-to-something adaptation looks settled. The zombie outbreak survivors’ odyssey will be transforming into a series on AMC with Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile) spearheading the project. This is all good news as television is the medium best suited for a Walking Dead adaptation and AMC is on a winning streak of late. Please discuss casting possibilities amongst yourself.

10) A self-congratulating Jay-Z, delusional about the impact of Roc-A-Wear on the world at large, collaborates with a check cashing Spike Lee for a 10-year anniversary commercial about, what else, a delusional consumer. If anyone asks, you only have 4 Jay-Z albums on your iPod: Reasonable Doubt, The Blueprint (1.000), American Gangster and Best of Both Worlds with R. Kelly.

11) Variety is reporting that Bryan Singer has signed on to direct and produce the big screen adaptation of Battlestar Galactica. Aren’t we done with this yet? Isn’t there some rule against adapting a show that’s hasn’t even been off the air for a couple years? Maybe Singer, presumably a fan of the property, is going to do us all a favor and remake that epic failure of a season finale. He can recast Brandon Routh as Starbuck and change intervening angels into Krytonians. Brilliant!

Has Lloyd taught you nothing, Ari?

13) Socialist=Nigger: Carlos Watson overreaches a little bit with his claim that the word "socialist" has become code for "nigger." I'm pretty sure that's not what people mean when they call me a socialist. His whole point, however, that in our society words and phrases often become rallying cries and weapons detached from what they actually mean, and that this is a dangerous practice that undermines serious discussion and damages language, is extremely astute and on target.

14) Rumors are flying that Lady Gaga might actually be a man or a hermaphrodite. If anyone brings it up, take the high road. Pretend you don’t know who Lady Gaga is until someone (anyone!) is forced to sing Poker Face. Then tell them you don’t care if it has a penis, vagina, mangina or venis – that’s its business. 

It's wet, aint' it? Drink it!

15) Following in the footsteps of fmylife and textsfromlastnight (I’m not looking up their URLs, google them if you are that out of touch), the internet now gives us itwasoverwhen. Seriously what is it with these sites? They’re like postsecret without any of the creativity or assumed catharsis. Hordes of anonymous people post intimate details about their life so that web-users can zone out in front of nugget narratives all so that the ad wizards behind these sites can make a few bucks. The real kicker is that they’re all FAKE!

16) Matronly actress Anne Ramsey passed away 20 years ago this week. Known for her roles as Mama Fratelli in Goonies and the “momma” in Throw Momma From the Train. It’s nice to know that through it all, she still has a good sense of humor. Owen! Owen!! OWEEENN!!!  

 Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, and Bill Magee contributed to this countdown